I am not my depression.

There are only a handful of people in my life that know I have depression (and yes, it is a real thing). But I have decided that being ashamed of it is not going to help me be any happier. So in case you're one of those that didn't know, surprise! It's okay. I understand it's one of those things that people don't really talk about. But we should. I know there are a lot of people that think it's uncomfortable to talk about or don't really know how to respond, and that's okay! There are also SO MANY people with similar "disorders" that feel like they have to hide how they are because 'nobody wants to be friends with a sad person'. They feel trapped and alone, like nothing is ever going to get better. And no matter how hard they try to claw their way out of that constant sadness, they just can't make it out. They're sinking. Because they're trying to do it alone. They don't want to tell anyone. Because it's hard to admit that you're drowning and you need a lifeguard, that you aren't as strong of a swimmer as maybe you had first thought. I was that person for a long time. I didn't want anyone to save me, I wanted to be the one to save myself. But when I finally let someone in and told them how helpless I felt, I started to see that there was hope. I finally realized that I am NOT just another sad person. I am actually not even a sad person! And that's what makes this so hard to figure out. Because pretty much everyone I know would describe me as a happy girl. And I am happy. I just get sad. Even depressed. And I don't know why. But I want to get better. :) 

So.

This blog is my way of saying "I WILL get better."  I might not know exactly how, yet, but I will get there. I will not be defined by depression! I'll need constant reminders and lots of support (my mother has been fantastic in helping me figure all of this out), but I know that I can live with my depression and still be a successful, happy person. This is my journey. And I'll be the happiest girl anyone has ever seen. Because even though I might not have the perfect life and even though sometimes I get sad and I don't know why, I'M STILL WORTH IT.  I deserve every second that I have to be alive.  I deserve to be happy.  And I deserve to love myself the way I am.

So here they are. These are my resolutions as I begin again, even more determined than ever, to get better! :)

1. I will NEVER, ever, ever, ever self-harm again. EVER. No matter how hard it gets and no matter how much I think I want to. I will not allow myself to use self-harm as a coping mechanism. It is ABSOLUTELY NOT an option anymore.

2. I will look in the mirror every morning and tell myself three things: I am strong. I am worth it. I am loved.

3. If I am having an especially hard day I will go for a walk, write in my journal, update my blog, listen to HAPPY music, smile (even if it's fake), cry it all out, and just breathe. Things will ALWAYS get better. 

4. Remember: "If it's not okay, it's not the end. Because everything will be okay in the end." I CAN hold on until then.

So here's my new theme song for the next while. "I Wanna Get Better" by Bleachers is actually the inspiration for this entire blog. I am not alone and I will not get better alone, but I WILL get better. I promise! :)