Something needs to change.

I know what it's like to want to die. And not in the way that you think you want to die when you say something embarrassing in front of a bunch of people. To really, truly wish that you were dead.
Depression is real. It's frustrating. It's debilitating. And it's terrifying. When the only thing you can do is sleep because there is literally no way that you can make yourself get out of bed. And all you do when you are awake is cry because you feel so helpless and lost and sad about everything and nothing ever gets better. When you're sad all the time and you don't know why. You feel like there is no one in the whole world that cares about you and you secretly wish for someone to come save you, but at the same time all you want is to be alone. Because it's hard to cry in front of people every time you try to leave your bed and go outside.
Everyone tells you to "Just be happy" and you wish desperately that you could, that it were really that easy. They say that you need to keep busy and find a hobby or something to occupy your mind, but it's hard to even find a purpose to stay alive. In your mind, there is nothing left to live for. This is your life now and you can't wait for it to be over.
During the spring of 2013, that was me. It was my life. I felt as if I had no purpose, I had no friends, and I absolutely had nothing left to live for. I quit going to my classes, because I physically could not make myself get out of bed and face the world. I stopped eating and I started cutting. And I didn't even hide my cuts. Because I didn't care anymore.
After trying for so long to fight a losing battle, I finally told someone what I was feeling. I went to counseling, and it was awful. I hated every session. Nothing got better. I dropped out of school and moved home where my mom took me to see a doctor. I felt like I had lost. I couldn't do it on my own. It was hard when people would ask if I was done with school and the only honestly answer was that I had dropped out. I was ashamed. The doctor put me on a bunch of medication and said it would start working in a month. She also made me promise that I wouldn't cut again. All I had to do was hang on until then. In the meantime, all I wanted to do was sleep and cry.
A month later, nothing felt better. I still had no purpose. I felt lost and alone. And that's how I wanted it. I wanted to be alone. When I went back to the doctor, she asked how I was doing and if I had self-harmed again. I looked at the floor and told her that I had. She gave me the biggest hug and I cried. It was strange, but a hug from a complete stranger was exactly what I needed. I felt so loved. I felt like she actually cared if I got better.
The last year has been hard. I didn't magically get better by taking medicine. I didn't get better by being with my friends and people that care about me. I don't even know if I can really say that I'm "better". I have had so many hard days where I've gone back to cutting. I've stayed in bed for days on end. I've cried more than I can account for. But I can say that things have been better since I got help. Since I spoke up and admitted that I wasn't okay and that I couldn't do it on my own. And I'm proud to say that I no longer need my medication. I feel like I actually have a purpose in life and I have never been happier. I have been through hell and back and I can tell you that IT DOES GET BETTER. It won't be the same road for everyone, but it's possible. And it takes a long time. It feels like forever.
It breaks my heart that depression isn't taken seriously. Whenever people would ask what was wrong with me, I actually felt dumb telling them that I had depression, like they would think I would just making it up. But depression is serious, and anyone can have it. Just like anyone can have cancer, or eczema, or a sore throat. It doesn't have to be someone who keeps to themselves all the time and likes Edgar Allen Poe. It can be the friendliest, outwardly-happiest, most involved person you know. And that's what makes it so hard.
It's weird for me, putting all of this out there, but there are so many people who suffer from depression and I think it's so important for us to talk about. If telling my story can help even one person decide to get help or tell someone, it's worth it. I don't want to lose one more person to suicide. It's not okay. I don't care if everyone in the world knows I have depression. It doesn't need to be a secret. Because I'm not ashamed.

August 1.

This is my inspiration today.

"People are capable, at any 
time in their lives, of doing 
what they dream of."

 - Paulo Coelho, Alchemist

 

 

Musings.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about just how short life is. Especially about how much time I waste doing things that don't even make me happy. And that kind of makes me feel ashamed. Because in all reality, I don't have time to be anything but happy! Life is so short, we can't even comprehend how little time we really are given. If we knew when our last day would be, would we honestly be content with entire days spent at home watching Netflix and not living every second to the absolute fullest? Not knowing when that final day will come should be even more of a motivation. Would you really want your last day on this earth to be spent not doing something absolutely SPECTACULAR? Because I know that I don't. 

So what are we to do? It's really not as daunting a concept as it seems. To be honest, it actually all boils down to the simple things:

Appreciate the beauty all around you.

Remind the ones in your life that you love them.

Be patient.

Don't worry. Everything will work out.

Find joy in the little things.

Express yourself.

Decide to be happy.

Treat all things with kindness.

Don't waste time and energy with matters of little importance.

Love yourself.

To avoid wasting the short amount of time that we have left, we don't have to be embarking on exciting adventures or even be accomplishing what the world might consider great things. Happiness is in all in the attitude. And it is ABSOLUTELY attainable. No matter the circumstances.

May 16, 2014.

So it's been almost a month after the fact and I'm just barely posting pictures from Kyle and Ariel's wedding. Right on time. 

May 16th was a fantastic day for a wedding. The weather was perfect, I got to wear heels all day, and I've never seen my favorite big brother happier than that one time he got to make Ariel his wife. I'm so excited for their life together.

Obviously I was not in an ideal location for taking pictures as they came out of the temple, but whatever. I had other things to worry about. Like if my feet were ever going to stop hurting.

 Here's a picture of Kameron getting intimate with Kaden, because apparently he can't tie a tie from the front like a normal person. (But in his defense, Kaden should have been able to tie it himself. Take note, boys.)

Also, Kyle and Ariel didn't ask me to be the wedding photographer. But they should have. 

You're welcome.

 And I always have to remind everyone how adorable my baby sisters are. I absolutely cannot get enough of them! We had tons of fun waiting for everyone to get out of the temple after the sealing. I'll take any chance I can get to hang out with these lovely peaches.

All things considered, it was an amazing day. And the best part about it was that I got to spend the day with the greatest family on the entire planet. (It's mine, in case you were wondering.) The greatest family plus one. Because it's growing :)

#teamfinlinson

Livin' on a prayer.

It's been forever since I last posted. Partly because I couldn't think of anything to say and partly because I've been crazy busy getting ready for my brother's wedding next Friday. Apparently I'm in charge of making their slideshow, which has been a lot more stressful than it sounds like. And also really tedious.

Life in general has also been extremely stressful lately between moving all my junk back home from my two seconds in Logan, getting everything ready for the wedding, trying to be prepared for the Miss Sevier pageant (which is conveniently the night after the wedding), and working on ways to get myself moved back up to Salt Lake as soon as humanly possible. Meanwhile, with all of this going on I have to nurture relationships and try to act like I'm not constantly going out of my mind. If I can pull this off, I think someone should give me a reward. Like a job. Haha.

It's times like this when I really need to remind myself of a few things. #1 being that there are so many good things in my life. It won't be this stressful forever. (At least, I hope.)

These are my beautiful reasons to be happy:

1. Even though I live at home right now, I get to see my family every day.

2. Good weather

3. Music that you can feel in your soul.

4. Camping

5. Seeing my gorgeous best friend whenever I want.

6. Texts from Dakota.

7. Watching my sisters grow up.

8. Pictures of puppies. (And Alfie.)

9. Love.

10. Art

Beautiful times.

I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure Adam Young wrote this song for me. And for that, I love him. Because this is exactly what I needed right now. (Also, I really just love him, I can't help it.) Just.. take a listen. :)

A spark soaring down through the pouring rain
And restoring life to the lighthouse
A slow motion wave on the ocean 
Stirs my emotion up like like a rain cloud

When did the sky turn black?
And when will the light come back?

A cab driver turned to skydiver 
Then to survivor, 
Dying to breakdown 
A blood brother, surrogate mother, 
Hugging each other, crying their eyes out

When did the sky turn black?
And when will the light come back?

I'm ecstatic like a drug addict
Locked in the attic
Strung out and spellbound

I fought all through the night
Oh, oh, but I made it alive
The sun's starting to rise
Oh, oh, these are beautiful times
This fight of my life is so hard, so hard, so hard
But I'm gonna survive
Oh, oh, these are beautiful times

A bad feeling burned through the ceiling
Leaving my healing heart with a new scar
A dead fire rose and rose higher
Like a vampire, up from the graveyard

When did the sky turn black?
And when will the light come back?

We all suffer but we recover
Just to discover life where we all are

I fought all through the night
Oh, oh, but I made it alive
The sun's starting to rise
Oh, oh, these are beautiful times
This fight of my life is so hard, so hard, so hard
But I'm gonna survive
Oh, oh, these are beautiful times

This fight of my life is so hard, so hard, so hard
But I'm gonna survive
Oh, oh, these are beautiful times

My heart's burning bad
And it's turning black
But I'm learning how to be stronger
And sincerely, I love you dearly
Oh, but I'm clearly destined to wonder

Pompeii.

The thing I've been stuck on for a while now is Bastille's song Pompeii. Not only is it super catchy and really fun to sing, but it has also really been making me think a lot more than most songs typically do. The first few times that I heard it I thought, "Oh, Pompeii. That's a pretty original title. It's a great song, but I don't get why it's called Pompeii." (But then again, there are so many song titles that don't make sense - for example: 'Hispedangongonajelanguiro (Capiche?)' by Pluto Jonze - I didn't think too much of it.) Only after I had heard it about five or six times did it hit me that the song is actually about the ancient Roman city of Pompeii that was destroyed in 79 AD by the eruption of Mount Vesuvius. Being the history nerd that I am, this got me pretty dang excited. 

Now, when I hear this song, I immediately think of the picture popularly referred to as the Lovers of Pompeii. (Unfortunately, this picture is not actually from the eruption of Mount Vesuvius, but is an image of a 6,000 year old couple found in a Neolithic tomb near Mantua, Italy in 2007. Archaeologists call them the Lovers of Valdaro, which is the small village where they were discovered. But that's an entirely different story.)

A more accurate depiction of the "Lovers of Pompeii" would actually be like this:

Since the bodies of the Pompeiians were so well preserved in the ash, when archaeologists arrived, they were left with perfect molds of the last moments of life for these people. Plaster was injected into these molds before excavation to preserve the bodies even further.

While there isn't much information about this particular couple, it isn't hard to imagine how they must have been feeling. In fact, Bastille's song makes it even easier for me to put myself in their place. The lyrics are powerful and very emotional.

And the walls kept tumbling down
In the city that we love
Great clouds roll over the hills
Bringing darkness from above

(To me, this would be terrifying. I don't know about you. You might be brave.)

But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You've been here before?

(This part reminds me of the ways that we comfort ourselves - or others - when bad things are happening. Sometimes, if you just close your eyes, it feels like everything is still fine. Like you're only sleeping.)

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

(I truly have no idea how I would be an optimist about knowing that I was going to die of something that I had absolutely no control over. The only positive thing that I can think of is at least, if they were lucky, they died in the arms of the ones they loved.)

We were caught up and lost in all of our vices
In your pose as the dust settled around us

Oh where do we begin?
The rubble or our sins?
Oh where do we begin?
The rubble or our sins?

(This is also a very interesting part for me. I feel like, in this sort of tragedy, do you think about helping others or rebuilding the city that you love? Or do you focus on the fact that you are probably going to die anyway and worry about saving yourself, if not physically, then spiritually - just in case? It's hard to say.)

So there's that. 

Pompeii. 

History is cool, people. So let's stop writing stupid love songs (I'm not saying love songs are stupid, let's just stop writing the stupid ones.) and start writing about things that are cool! We need to stop being so boring and start being more awesome. Because after all..

DON'TCHA KNOW?

Baseball and pizza.

That last post was kind of heavy, and I hope nobody really got weirded out or anything. And if you/they did, oh well. I will never apologize for being real. But on that note, I just wanted to say that this blog isn't really going to have any sort of theme or whatever. It's basically going to be just whatever has been on my mind lately or whatever I think is important. So it's probably going to be pretty random, but at least it will never get boring. :)

Yesterday I was able to spend the whole day with my mother. We spent the day watching my brother's baseball games and eating pizza. We even got to go shopping. (I love shopping.) We spent a lot of hours driving to baseball games, up to the mall, and finally back home. I thought I was going to die because the radio in the car was broken and we couldn't listen to music for all of those hours driving, but it ended up being a lot better than I had expected. I had so much fun talking, laughing and joking, and just spending time with my mom.

And that really reminded me of something that I had realized a while ago. Mothers aren't really just mothers. They're daughters, friends, sisters, neighbors, teachers, aunts, grandmothers, nieces, and businesswomen. Our mothers have dreams, likes and dislikes. They have personality. They had lives before they ever even imagined having children! Realizing this has helped me grow so much closer to my mother. She is not just someone who takes care of me and does my laundry. She is my best friend. She has hopes and dreams. She likes to laugh. She likes to watch movies. And she loves chocolate.

I guess what I'm getting at is this. Next time your mom is telling you what to do or it feels like she is trying to run your life, just remember that it's only because she cares about you. Remember that she is just like you. She has bad days. She gets nervous in front of crowds. She has feelings. Be patient and let her know how much you appreciate her instead of getting angry and pushing her away. A good relationship with your mother is one of the best things you can have, because she will always have your back, even when you mess up. (Which I do. A LOT.)

Anyway. I wasn't really planning on this post being about mothers, that just kind of happened. And since it's getting close to Mother's Day, it seems appropriate. I just really like my mom, okay.

I am not my depression.

There are only a handful of people in my life that know I have depression (and yes, it is a real thing). But I have decided that being ashamed of it is not going to help me be any happier. So in case you're one of those that didn't know, surprise! It's okay. I understand it's one of those things that people don't really talk about. But we should. I know there are a lot of people that think it's uncomfortable to talk about or don't really know how to respond, and that's okay! There are also SO MANY people with similar "disorders" that feel like they have to hide how they are because 'nobody wants to be friends with a sad person'. They feel trapped and alone, like nothing is ever going to get better. And no matter how hard they try to claw their way out of that constant sadness, they just can't make it out. They're sinking. Because they're trying to do it alone. They don't want to tell anyone. Because it's hard to admit that you're drowning and you need a lifeguard, that you aren't as strong of a swimmer as maybe you had first thought. I was that person for a long time. I didn't want anyone to save me, I wanted to be the one to save myself. But when I finally let someone in and told them how helpless I felt, I started to see that there was hope. I finally realized that I am NOT just another sad person. I am actually not even a sad person! And that's what makes this so hard to figure out. Because pretty much everyone I know would describe me as a happy girl. And I am happy. I just get sad. Even depressed. And I don't know why. But I want to get better. :) 

So.

This blog is my way of saying "I WILL get better."  I might not know exactly how, yet, but I will get there. I will not be defined by depression! I'll need constant reminders and lots of support (my mother has been fantastic in helping me figure all of this out), but I know that I can live with my depression and still be a successful, happy person. This is my journey. And I'll be the happiest girl anyone has ever seen. Because even though I might not have the perfect life and even though sometimes I get sad and I don't know why, I'M STILL WORTH IT.  I deserve every second that I have to be alive.  I deserve to be happy.  And I deserve to love myself the way I am.

So here they are. These are my resolutions as I begin again, even more determined than ever, to get better! :)

1. I will NEVER, ever, ever, ever self-harm again. EVER. No matter how hard it gets and no matter how much I think I want to. I will not allow myself to use self-harm as a coping mechanism. It is ABSOLUTELY NOT an option anymore.

2. I will look in the mirror every morning and tell myself three things: I am strong. I am worth it. I am loved.

3. If I am having an especially hard day I will go for a walk, write in my journal, update my blog, listen to HAPPY music, smile (even if it's fake), cry it all out, and just breathe. Things will ALWAYS get better. 

4. Remember: "If it's not okay, it's not the end. Because everything will be okay in the end." I CAN hold on until then.

So here's my new theme song for the next while. "I Wanna Get Better" by Bleachers is actually the inspiration for this entire blog. I am not alone and I will not get better alone, but I WILL get better. I promise! :)