We are gods in the chrysalis.

"Whenever you go out of doors, draw the chin in, carry the crown of the head high, and fill the lungs to the utmost; drink in the sunshine; greet your friends with a smile, and put soul into every handclasp.  Do not fear being misunderstood and do not waste a minute thinking about your enemies.  Try to fix firmly in your mind what you would like to do; and then, without veering of direction, you will move straight to the goal.  Keep your mind on the great and splendid things you would like to do, and then, as the days go gliding by, you will find yourself unconsciously seizing upon the opportunities that are required for the fulfillment of your desire, just as the coral insect takes from the running tide the element it needs.  Picture in your mind the able, earnest, useful person you desire to be, and the thought you hold is hourly transforming you into that particular individual...  Thought is supreme.  Preserve a right mental attitude - the attitude of courage, frankness, and good cheer.  To think rightly is to create.  All things come through desire and every sincere prayer is answered.  We become like that on which our hearts are fixed.  Carry your chin in and the crown of your head high.  We are gods in the chrysalis."                                                                                  
                                                                                                                                      --Elbert Hubbard.

Need some inspiration today? You're welcome.

Over the past few months, I have slowly been coming to the realization of just how powerful my thoughts actually are.  For me, it has always been much easier to focus on the negative and complain about it instead of looking at the good things in my life.  Lately, though, I have been training myself to think more positively.  Whenever I have a negative thought, I immediately think of something positive to go in its place.  For example, sometimes I do stupid things while I am driving, like accidentally cutting someone off.  Typically, I will instantly say to myself, "Wow, I am an idiot."
Or something to that effect.  Lately, when I have that thought, I follow it immediately with, "I'm not an idiot. I just made a mistake." This simple change has actually had a HUGE effect on the way that I think about myself and other people.  If someone in traffic doesn't use their turn signal before changing lanes, at first I instinctively think something negative about them.  Directly after that thought, though, I will trade that thought for something positive like, "That doesn't make them a bad person. Maybe they just forgot. People make mistakes."

The other thing I have frequently experimented with is seeing how different attitudes will affect my day.  If I choose to have a good attitude and am patient and forgiving, my day is always much happier than if I choose to be more easily annoyed.  It works every time!

Occasionally, though, there are days when I am just in a sad mood.  Instead of fighting my feelings and pretending that I am happy and cheery, I let myself feel my emotions. It is much easier to return to a happy disposition when you allow yourself to feel all of your emotions instead of acting like you only have the one.

I have loved learning about the power of thought and I am excited to see what else I can do with my brain, because it's pretty awesome. :)

Something needs to change.

I know what it's like to want to die. And not in the way that you think you want to die when you say something embarrassing in front of a bunch of people. To really, truly wish that you were dead.
Depression is real. It's frustrating. It's debilitating. And it's terrifying. When the only thing you can do is sleep because there is literally no way that you can make yourself get out of bed. And all you do when you are awake is cry because you feel so helpless and lost and sad about everything and nothing ever gets better. When you're sad all the time and you don't know why. You feel like there is no one in the whole world that cares about you and you secretly wish for someone to come save you, but at the same time all you want is to be alone. Because it's hard to cry in front of people every time you try to leave your bed and go outside.
Everyone tells you to "Just be happy" and you wish desperately that you could, that it were really that easy. They say that you need to keep busy and find a hobby or something to occupy your mind, but it's hard to even find a purpose to stay alive. In your mind, there is nothing left to live for. This is your life now and you can't wait for it to be over.
During the spring of 2013, that was me. It was my life. I felt as if I had no purpose, I had no friends, and I absolutely had nothing left to live for. I quit going to my classes, because I physically could not make myself get out of bed and face the world. I stopped eating and I started cutting. And I didn't even hide my cuts. Because I didn't care anymore.
After trying for so long to fight a losing battle, I finally told someone what I was feeling. I went to counseling, and it was awful. I hated every session. Nothing got better. I dropped out of school and moved home where my mom took me to see a doctor. I felt like I had lost. I couldn't do it on my own. It was hard when people would ask if I was done with school and the only honestly answer was that I had dropped out. I was ashamed. The doctor put me on a bunch of medication and said it would start working in a month. She also made me promise that I wouldn't cut again. All I had to do was hang on until then. In the meantime, all I wanted to do was sleep and cry.
A month later, nothing felt better. I still had no purpose. I felt lost and alone. And that's how I wanted it. I wanted to be alone. When I went back to the doctor, she asked how I was doing and if I had self-harmed again. I looked at the floor and told her that I had. She gave me the biggest hug and I cried. It was strange, but a hug from a complete stranger was exactly what I needed. I felt so loved. I felt like she actually cared if I got better.
The last year has been hard. I didn't magically get better by taking medicine. I didn't get better by being with my friends and people that care about me. I don't even know if I can really say that I'm "better". I have had so many hard days where I've gone back to cutting. I've stayed in bed for days on end. I've cried more than I can account for. But I can say that things have been better since I got help. Since I spoke up and admitted that I wasn't okay and that I couldn't do it on my own. And I'm proud to say that I no longer need my medication. I feel like I actually have a purpose in life and I have never been happier. I have been through hell and back and I can tell you that IT DOES GET BETTER. It won't be the same road for everyone, but it's possible. And it takes a long time. It feels like forever.
It breaks my heart that depression isn't taken seriously. Whenever people would ask what was wrong with me, I actually felt dumb telling them that I had depression, like they would think I would just making it up. But depression is serious, and anyone can have it. Just like anyone can have cancer, or eczema, or a sore throat. It doesn't have to be someone who keeps to themselves all the time and likes Edgar Allen Poe. It can be the friendliest, outwardly-happiest, most involved person you know. And that's what makes it so hard.
It's weird for me, putting all of this out there, but there are so many people who suffer from depression and I think it's so important for us to talk about. If telling my story can help even one person decide to get help or tell someone, it's worth it. I don't want to lose one more person to suicide. It's not okay. I don't care if everyone in the world knows I have depression. It doesn't need to be a secret. Because I'm not ashamed.

August 1.

This is my inspiration today.

"People are capable, at any 
time in their lives, of doing 
what they dream of."

 - Paulo Coelho, Alchemist

 

 

Musings.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about just how short life is. Especially about how much time I waste doing things that don't even make me happy. And that kind of makes me feel ashamed. Because in all reality, I don't have time to be anything but happy! Life is so short, we can't even comprehend how little time we really are given. If we knew when our last day would be, would we honestly be content with entire days spent at home watching Netflix and not living every second to the absolute fullest? Not knowing when that final day will come should be even more of a motivation. Would you really want your last day on this earth to be spent not doing something absolutely SPECTACULAR? Because I know that I don't. 

So what are we to do? It's really not as daunting a concept as it seems. To be honest, it actually all boils down to the simple things:

Appreciate the beauty all around you.

Remind the ones in your life that you love them.

Be patient.

Don't worry. Everything will work out.

Find joy in the little things.

Express yourself.

Decide to be happy.

Treat all things with kindness.

Don't waste time and energy with matters of little importance.

Love yourself.

To avoid wasting the short amount of time that we have left, we don't have to be embarking on exciting adventures or even be accomplishing what the world might consider great things. Happiness is in all in the attitude. And it is ABSOLUTELY attainable. No matter the circumstances.

May 16, 2014.

So it's been almost a month after the fact and I'm just barely posting pictures from Kyle and Ariel's wedding. Right on time. 

May 16th was a fantastic day for a wedding. The weather was perfect, I got to wear heels all day, and I've never seen my favorite big brother happier than that one time he got to make Ariel his wife. I'm so excited for their life together.

Obviously I was not in an ideal location for taking pictures as they came out of the temple, but whatever. I had other things to worry about. Like if my feet were ever going to stop hurting.

 Here's a picture of Kameron getting intimate with Kaden, because apparently he can't tie a tie from the front like a normal person. (But in his defense, Kaden should have been able to tie it himself. Take note, boys.)

Also, Kyle and Ariel didn't ask me to be the wedding photographer. But they should have. 

You're welcome.

 And I always have to remind everyone how adorable my baby sisters are. I absolutely cannot get enough of them! We had tons of fun waiting for everyone to get out of the temple after the sealing. I'll take any chance I can get to hang out with these lovely peaches.

All things considered, it was an amazing day. And the best part about it was that I got to spend the day with the greatest family on the entire planet. (It's mine, in case you were wondering.) The greatest family plus one. Because it's growing :)

#teamfinlinson

Livin' on a prayer.

It's been forever since I last posted. Partly because I couldn't think of anything to say and partly because I've been crazy busy getting ready for my brother's wedding next Friday. Apparently I'm in charge of making their slideshow, which has been a lot more stressful than it sounds like. And also really tedious.

Life in general has also been extremely stressful lately between moving all my junk back home from my two seconds in Logan, getting everything ready for the wedding, trying to be prepared for the Miss Sevier pageant (which is conveniently the night after the wedding), and working on ways to get myself moved back up to Salt Lake as soon as humanly possible. Meanwhile, with all of this going on I have to nurture relationships and try to act like I'm not constantly going out of my mind. If I can pull this off, I think someone should give me a reward. Like a job. Haha.

It's times like this when I really need to remind myself of a few things. #1 being that there are so many good things in my life. It won't be this stressful forever. (At least, I hope.)

These are my beautiful reasons to be happy:

1. Even though I live at home right now, I get to see my family every day.

2. Good weather

3. Music that you can feel in your soul.

4. Camping

5. Seeing my gorgeous best friend whenever I want.

6. Texts from Dakota.

7. Watching my sisters grow up.

8. Pictures of puppies. (And Alfie.)

9. Love.

10. Art

Beautiful times.

I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure Adam Young wrote this song for me. And for that, I love him. Because this is exactly what I needed right now. (Also, I really just love him, I can't help it.) Just.. take a listen. :)

A spark soaring down through the pouring rain
And restoring life to the lighthouse
A slow motion wave on the ocean 
Stirs my emotion up like like a rain cloud

When did the sky turn black?
And when will the light come back?

A cab driver turned to skydiver 
Then to survivor, 
Dying to breakdown 
A blood brother, surrogate mother, 
Hugging each other, crying their eyes out

When did the sky turn black?
And when will the light come back?

I'm ecstatic like a drug addict
Locked in the attic
Strung out and spellbound

I fought all through the night
Oh, oh, but I made it alive
The sun's starting to rise
Oh, oh, these are beautiful times
This fight of my life is so hard, so hard, so hard
But I'm gonna survive
Oh, oh, these are beautiful times

A bad feeling burned through the ceiling
Leaving my healing heart with a new scar
A dead fire rose and rose higher
Like a vampire, up from the graveyard

When did the sky turn black?
And when will the light come back?

We all suffer but we recover
Just to discover life where we all are

I fought all through the night
Oh, oh, but I made it alive
The sun's starting to rise
Oh, oh, these are beautiful times
This fight of my life is so hard, so hard, so hard
But I'm gonna survive
Oh, oh, these are beautiful times

This fight of my life is so hard, so hard, so hard
But I'm gonna survive
Oh, oh, these are beautiful times

My heart's burning bad
And it's turning black
But I'm learning how to be stronger
And sincerely, I love you dearly
Oh, but I'm clearly destined to wonder